How are you doing? Right here in this moment?
I realize that at this point in quarantine, days of the weeks and numbers on the calendar have a little less meaning or urgency than usual.
My internal clock is slowly recessing to back to a more normal rhythm for me and a horrible rhythm if we ever return to socially acceptable standard time.
Yesterday, I felt my third big wave of emotion since this whole virus thing started.
The first wave consisted of my internal Chicken Little running around and yelling “The sky is falling! The SKY is falling!” Making sure I closed the clinic. Making sure I had enough supplies or resources in case things SHUT DOWN. Like for real shut down. The internal fear and meeting all of those base level hierarchy of needs.
The country living and one car family training of my youth went full blast into default mode.
The second wave came with a little time and sunshine. Pretty much most people have gotten the memo. This thing has the potential to be bad. Stay home. Check.
The sun is shining and I can read a book. I like the people I live with. I am grateful for all that I have, etc etc.
Yesterday I was antsy. Irritated. Cranky. And 100% not my best parenting or partner self. I wandered a bit aimlessly and lost most of the day. I am not even sure what I did.
It wasn’t until I let myself sit at the table with my husband- at about 9:30pm- that I finally put my finger on it. The wave of –
“Holy Crap! How long is this thing REALLY going to last?”
Because in some ways that really matters. Business decisions have to be made. Applications for loans must be completed. Meals need to be planned.
But REALLY, it is how long am I really going to have to sit with myself. In uncertainty. In stillness. In pain. In relationship.
As I re-read that sentence, I realize these are not new things. Not even remotely new things. They are the everyday things that I have under the surface all day every day.
Most of the time we can busy our way out of it. We work. We scroll. We work out. We eat. We drink. We caffeinate. We Netflix. We shop. We gossip.
We do not stay true to ourselves.
We pile on and pile on until we wipe those hard feeling right out.
In this moment I have this gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach. Which usually means that I have come to a moment of truth. That I would really rather choose not to feel. Stupid blog…
I think this extended time is going to teach us all something. The lessons will vary. The timing will vary. The waves of emotion will vary.
But I will be right here with you. In the messy, unpredictable, the that is not what I thought was gonna get outta that, journey of the heart.